| still having a good time |
[May. 29th, 2009|02:57 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  blank | ] |
yeah, i don't know what you heard, but i've been a-ok lately. nothing spectacular has happened... but that's not entirely true. cause i've had some spectacular moments at least. you know those few and far between times where you're talking to someone and they are listening to you?? well i have a friend who takes it even a step further and actually understands me. it's great and he's convinced it has something to do with the fact that we were both homeschooled and hey, that's possible. it's amazing looking back on growing up like that, how weird it makes you. only another homeschooler could understand growing up weird. if augusten burroughs didn't already have the record for Most Fucked Up Childhood Memoir, i'd give it a run for someone's money.
on the money front, things are all quiet. i don't really have any money per se, but every now and then i still come into some... and i don't worry if i can help it. i sleep pretty peacefully after a full day. i had a shitty job at a shitty kiosk in the shitty mall and although it made me want to blow the whole shitty place up, i was still royally incensed when i was fired because i was sick one day. just one day. sheesh. i'm still not quite over the anger because damnit, i hate injustice and i hate having to deal out justice on my terms. and so should the justice-recipient cause it ain't pretty.
this summer is going to see alot of tar on my heels. 'mothership landing' festival in ohio feat. george clinton and p-funk. can't even imagine the crowd those couple nights in the quarry. fingers crossed for the mountains of north carolina... and california is just a solid plan away. plans tho, you know...
all my busy friends are getting so much done! and i'm proud of them. |
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| in spite of!! |
[May. 10th, 2009|02:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | apple.com | ] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  cheerful | ] |
i'm gonna buy an ipod!!!!
just as soon as i get some more $$. i'm s000 tired of cds skipping and slowing down my walking. i need to be in control of my technology, damnit! |
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| like the guy who only calls when he's drunk... here i am, livejournal, and i can't sleep. |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|12:36 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | wanting | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | broken social scene | ] |
sure, i've been yawning since 5 pm and i know this body needs more R&R and TLC than it gets... but as soon as i lay down and my pulse slows, my mind races. it's so bad. it's nice and warm under my blanket and i'm breathing evenly but my damn mind is hyperventilating. and even if i consciously block out any and all clear thoughts, it's like a fucking kaleidoscope on pcp in there! i don't claim to be a full fledged insomniac but i'm here to say "oh my god, i'm so sorry." to those who are.
anyway, better things are happening. 9 days of out 10 i still wouldn't trade my life in for anyone else's... except maybe whoever vincent gallo is involved with. i'm still suffering from my can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series kind of feelings for someone who can sum up their feelings for me in a great many less words (but still hasn't). oh well, what can you do? at least this leave me free to do whatever and whomever i want, and that is alot of things and no one, respectively.
ahhh, ch-ch-ch-changes! new house, new home, new street, new era? the dawning of? sunrise, summer, skirts, sidewalks... all are at my fingertips and i'll be contemplating them from the old rocking chair on my new porch.
(more about the new house some other time.)
i want to throw a party! i'm gonna get so fucked up, it's gonna be my birthday, and the whole living room is gonna be painted blue and filled with smoke and immortalized in my mind's eye... and yours too, if you care to join. just make sure you don't bring any assholes with you, cause for months it's been building up in me... all around me i see ignorance, stupidity, lack of common sense, basically the common ASSHOLE... and i'm ready to kick some fucking asshole from here to chinatown.
allright, let's not get all riled up, that's no way to get to sleep. i'm gonna step outside now, i'm in louisiana and it's nearly 65 degrees at night... and the $4 cigs and fake-snake-skin lighter are beckoning from juuuuust the other side of the sliding glass door... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|12:55 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  guilty | ] |
i'm feeling thankful! part of it may have to do with the sadsad stories i see all around me, in my life and in my dreams. maybe it's the movie we watched in class (not my class) called Bless the Child. i cried more during Candy but they both left an impression. i spend all my "extra" money on records, and while i'm overjoyed to have Neil Young's Decade on vinyl in mint condition for only $20... it's not physical sustenance. not for me, not for anyone. i can subsist on very little but i want to shift my focus... away from myself! cause i'll be just fine.
as it happens, i have shifted my focus to someone else... but it's too early to say, it's too early to talk! i won't ruin it that way. my just-kissed lips are sealed!
other than that... i lost my job, and that's too bad. i thought i had some good friends there but now i barely care. it's back to late mornings and even later nights, shut off warnings and finance fights. i'm gonna look real good on my short walk to the welfare office.
haha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2009|01:31 am] |
how bad is it when the last day of the last year is already mapped out for you in the stars, and the stars are bad, the gods are mad at you. you can't fuck with them, but they can fuck with you. 2009 doesn't look good for anyone. you don't have to be a prophet to see this shit. just look around.
i just wanna give a shout out to NICI and DANI and AMANDA. nice to see you girlz lately, also nice to use the letter Z irresponsibly sometimes. |
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| brought to you by baby jesus |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|10:11 pm] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | 105.7 xxx-mas | ] |
still enjoying livejournal after all this time doesn't make sense... but it just feels so right. kind of like cleaning my closet at 4 in the morning or sitting on the cold wood floor in my unmentionables, reading my old letters, journals and orders to appear in court. ahh, memories. killers. killer memories.
i've realized that the more i talk about my Special Things, the less special they become. i like to hide, i like to hoard my happiness. it can't be common knowledge, it isn't common at all. and when i find something sacred, i won't tell a soul.
tonight, i went on a mission that was doomed from the start. some cars just don't have brakes, and some girls just don't care. some cities don't sell liquor on sundays, and some girls just can't accept that. some cookies get burnt, but most cookies don't ever make it to the oven when this girl is around.
isn't it weird when you miss people that aren't gone? or mourn someone who isn't really dead? it feels bad so what can you do? |
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| i can't get up early at all now. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|10:17 pm] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | sugar mountain | ] |
This year is coming to a close; what do you think about that?
It sure has been a crazy one. Wonder if any more crazy shit is due before 2009?
I've just been working about 40 hrs/week, and that's ok. After all, I have (good) friends and (bad) habits to support, not to mention 2 little cats who depend on me! Amber and I are still living on Cherry St. in our little apartment. It's decorated funny, no consistent theme except "random" and "free"... we have a mannequin, if you know what i mean.
We went on a walk today, just about an hour long. We saw about 15 people we know, so when you break that down into friends per minute, I feel pretty good about today. Also bought 2 Neil Young records that you are welcome to covet... or come over and listen to, if you want. I have a doorbell now, located under the fusebox on the west side of the building. Don't tell anyone, and be sneaky when you use it!
I don't have any big future plans, really. Hopefully going to see the Decemberists this month. Getting contacts, maybe. I lost my phone so a trip to Verizon is looming in my future. Hmm.
Have you ever seen anyone just sit in their basement, never really leaving, and one day the love of their life just shows up? I have, and it's disheartening! Maybe I should take heart. Maybe I should give heart away!
Oh, Centerpointe Mall is so weird and funny! If only I could tell you! |
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| looking forward to: |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|06:53 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | ouch, headache. | ] |
i am starting to get really excited.
it's sort of almost christmas!!!
it's gonna be fucking magical at the mall. or something.
but really, it's going to be good this year.
breakfast and coffee are so important to you/me! don't forget.
in fact, have them with me sometime this week! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|06:27 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | can't tell | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | trompe le monde | ] |
i can't talk about personal shit on livejournal!
but here's what i wanna be for halloween.
mmm layla. buffalo 66, watch it!
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first paycheck in 4 months this friday. gonna get a phone, gonna call you and say sorry for not calling for so long. |
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| an injury update on rachael borr (someone's watching football in my background) |
[Oct. 5th, 2008|02:31 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | lou reed | ] |
i'm feeling things! things that can be lumped into categories like COLD and HOT. the cold, to the tips of my icy extremities, seems to freeze me up and slow me down and ouch! frozen tears hurt even more. but that's not it, that's not it at all. like alice in wonderland, i DO wish i hadn't cried so much. someone comes along and thaws out my hands and my tears and then i'm bound to feel warm and fuzzy and getting lost in the blankets can be so rewarding.
but if this was an article in the paper it might read less personal and cryptic and more like:
LOCAL GIRL IS AMAZED TO FIND JOB. FRIENDS JEALOUS, THREATEN TO COMMIT HOMICIDE.
Grand Rapids native and self professed fuck up Rachael Borr, age 22, experienced a stroke of good luck for the first time in years on Friday. She apparently was in the right place at the right time to be hired as 1/3 of the housekeeping department at Centerpointe Mall, just 2 short bus rides away from her Eastown apartment. When asked for a comment on what some would call this "miracle" she only said "duuuuude... i'm gonna be able to buy my own weed again soon."
but she was only kidding. it isn't going to be soon. |
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| just a quick question: |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|11:12 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  weird | ] |
has this been a good month for ANYONE so far?
anyone having a non stop good time?
cause so far it seems like everyone keeps getting shit upon by either the gods of karma or the devil himself.
well maybe that's a little harsh. but still...
this guy knows. |
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| this 3rd week in august |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|11:12 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | fuck it | ] |
as shitty as this month has been in some ways...
it's still been really good in the calvin ways. and some other very nice and good looking ways. naw that wasn't really supposed to mean sense.
( offensive $$$ ) |
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| good fruit, bad day. |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|08:38 pm] |
i've fallen on bad days.
i need to fall through them, right through the center of the earth to come out in China where families don't fight, lovers never stop loving and betrayal is the most popular girl's name for 2007, not what happens between friends, no matter on how little a scale.
the silver lining to what i sense are just more stormclouds gathering, is that if i fail this drug test tomorrow, i'm gonna get fucked up this weekend. you don't have to mark my words; i've marked them for you. just as i imagine these days have been marked for me. |
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| help! |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|10:48 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | uk subs | ] |
our landlord won't let us put recycling bins outside the building since it's directly in front of the market and parlour... so all this glass and plastic has been piling up for 3 months in our pantry (paper products have a bin behind the market).
i can't find a recycling center IN the city! only in like rockford and byron center. so where can i recycle 4 enormous bags of bottles (which i will most likely be carrying!)?
p.s. BLUEBERRIES.
P.s.s. BLENDER!! |
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| demi charm |
[Aug. 16th, 2008|03:46 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | surprisingly decent? | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | brian jonestown massacre | ] |
good enough for me.
family fare eggs and toast walking miles. calvin arrested development cemetary staying up all night sleeping all day the l-o-v-e minus the h-u-r-t talk laugh x rating. nick and matt neil young david bowie butthole surfers my bloody valentine marijuana marijuana marijuana (did i already say that?) car rides schulers. amber mall no security plans without execution imaginary execution of men. comstock park dani kade drunk friends beautiful clouds i love clouds. drive by jealousy inanimate drawing lack of punctuation. oscar wilde ernest hemingway graham greene marlon brando heartbreak tango i don't need anyone. dreaming babies rottweilers shoplifting. i would pay a million dollars for an hour alone with paul mccartney... but who wouldn't?
i won't forget when i'm old! i might not make it that far anyway.
in the near future:
ash spreading goodbye aunt donna cousin mike. sleeping party with the boys. medical study bullshit. punk week in ann arbor. hotel nights. i'm writing again. i'm drawing again. |
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| i'm worried |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|04:12 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  tired | ] |
i really am worried.
it's only august and i feel like i did last year in august, which will inevitably lead to september and that is the reason i moved to california.
i don't wanna and can't do that again. so what is winter going to do to me?
for 20 years i was never depressed, happy as a clam that escaped the net. but now i'm not happy. i feel off, i can't sleep, i'm lethargic and nothing sounds good, not even spinach.
i loved spinach. :( |
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| here i sit, eating a strudel |
[Jul. 23rd, 2008|02:47 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  angry | ] |
i'm supposed to be looking for a job (for the last 3 months)
but i can't stop thinking about Beck (for the last 3 months)
i i i think i'm in love!
i don't usually bop around telling people what to do or what to listen to or to do as i say, not as i do... but you gotta listen to Mutations and Guero. and if you can handle sorrow, Sea Change.
and i'm gonna get his face tattoed on my hand just so i can look at it every time i light a cigarette.
and i'm gonna die of cigarette cancer that much quicker and more satisfied.
oh i don't think anyone but david bowie could understand what i mean now. |
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| age is just how old i am! |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|02:33 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | trompe le monde | ] |
alright you verizon vultures and att assholes, back off!
i've got a phone now so just TRY and call me. but not this week!
this week is bad.
it started out with Bad Sunday. and now i'm feeling mad on monday. there's nothing i can do about it. i have to leave my happiness to those who found it.
usually you're pretty sure you can trust people when you're 22, right? |
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| as of now |
[Jun. 27th, 2008|01:36 am] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | belle & sebastian | ] |
my little sister is 11 and happy
i am 22 and it's happening again
jeff is 33 and about as great as he can be
my dad is 44 and doesn't mean to be an asshole
the guy who owns the Cuckoo's Nest is 55 and had a good birthday
the devil is 666 and desperation is his work
so i guess everything is fine! |
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| man, amy winehouse can groove. |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|05:06 pm] |
| [ | feel like i feel |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | listen to... |
| | can cherry st. hear this black tambourine? | ] |
so what can i do? i can do a few things!
but i'm afraid it takes a VERY few things to make me happy, keep me content.
i don't need a car or even a bike! just feet.
i don't need a stove or sugar! just eggs, the sun and the sidewalk.
i don't need it to be fulfilled, but i DO need a promise to keep me going.
i DO need a job. at least, that's what everyone keeps telling me. i'm starting to believe them; i think the hot sun is melting my mind.
What do you do if you lose your words? VERBS. Actions. They speak louder than those nasty ol' words anyway. If you can ACT how you feel, even if it's only how you want to feel... or you're only pretending... well, if you aren't speaking, you aren't lying. you're just trying. it's called effort, it deserves an A.
Plus (+) I want you (to). |
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